An interesting and rare story, and it is mine.
A bit more than three years ago I became very interested in the heated web debate between Atheists and Christians. Atheism was a hotter topic online, and in general, then as "The God Delusion" and "God is not Great" were released around that time. I, at the time a devout Episcopalian, did much searching, reading, and thinking and ultimately came to the conclusion that Theism did not make sense. To a limited extent, I felt that religion, as many atheists put it, was a disease.
I held these beliefs for about two years. Where before I fiercely defended my beliefs as a Christian, I was at this point that cocky, arrogant, smart alec Atheist who, in a most domineering way, is always pushing their beliefs on everybody he or she knows. These kind of people, and I was one, feel that some urgency in the global religious (specifically Christian) situation exists, and promote their ideas with conviction not only because they feel obligated to do so due to this imaginary urgency, but also as a matter of defense from the harshness of Christians who do not approve... most of whom are probably "Holiday Church Goers" at any rate. I don't know where this kind of rash thinking originated, but the only source for it which I can see is from seeing it in others. That is, this mindset fuels itself in a circular fashion from person to person. Almost like a cell, this way of thinking cannot spontaneously generate, instead it comes from existing promotion of these thoughts by others.
About a year ago, after two years of being that kind of person, I began to do some deeper thinking. I began to think about how I felt about religion before, about how I felt about God, how I felt about Church, how I felt about the Bible, how I felt the principals of Christianity. For this, I softened up a bit. Then one day, I found myself thinking about the obligation of Christians to worship God... this is something I've always had a hard time with and was the primary factor in my becoming an atheist... while thinking about this, something triggered a correlation in my mind which I'd, to my amazement to this day, not seen before. I thought about the gratitude a person feels when someone saves our helps to save their financial state, their house, their front lawn, their car, their children, their life. I thought about the obligation that a person feels to make it up to them.
Weather we like it or not, the existence of a god is a possibility. If a god does exist, this entity has made everything possible for us; without their creating us, we would have no love, no leisure, no aspiration, no hope, no interest, no enjoyment. Not only would we have nothing, but we would also be nothing. If no God exists and everything here does exist, then we owe to chance... and there's no sense in paying our gratitude to chance. But if God is responsible, then we owe him everything, regardless of weather he asks us or not. At this point I was a Christian again... a true 'born again' in my opinion.
I'm still not 100% 'with' the idea that all of the Bible is the word of God, I think of God more as a parent figure, and if we make relevant correlations between what the Bible says and what Parents say... well, you can think about it and I'm sure you'll see what I mean. I think that pretty much explains what 'hell' is for me. But keep in mind, parents don't like to admit to their children that they're wrong, however they still do exaggerate, fib, even lie to them. While if I were to say the same about God, many would respond that God is great, God is good, Lying is a sin and he would never do such... but when parents do exaggerate, fib, even lie, it is always for the better of the child, it is always by their (the parents') judgment the good, the right thing to do, and it's purpose will be understood after childhood. A parent won't fess up to this before then and, in my experience, parents and their children are in an agreement, conscious or sub-conscious, that Mommy and Daddy are always right. I believe that God is the same way and this is for our own good. We are all still kids in this spiritual spectrum and what we question today we will fully understand later when we are in a different position, when we are no longer the ignorant children we ALL are today. Understand this does not mean I believe God is lying about what he wants us to do, about we what he expects of us... what parent does that? Correlations between one thing understandable and another incomprehensible are useful tools, but ONLY when they are absolutely complete, equal, and relevant.
To the question "Do you believe in God?" that my honest answer still would be "No" is with great regret, however I cannot force myself to believe something, I cannot decide what I believe. Know that it is possible to be an Atheist, an Agnostic, and a Christian all at once. I'm the only one I know of, and in a way, I hope there are others like me out there.
